Is love supposed to hurt...?

Drama. Drama drama drama. I hate it. Yet, I can never seem to avoid it.

I'm in allot of pain right now. Everyday my boyfriend and I either have trouble or he's depressed and won't talk to me. And it hurts. Bad. He never what's anything with me. As if that's not the worst, Everytime he gets depressed, he doesn't talk to me. I don't know what to do about it. Recently, he has even been turning off the WiFi on his phone and it's making me feel truly alone. Like no one loves me. Or cares. I mean, I have the right to feel that way. I feel it Everytime he doesn't share things with me, whenever he doesn't stop his video games while we are on FaceTime (or starts them), whenever he doesn't answer me, anything. It sucks. And then he gets mad at me for getting depressed and cutting myself. I mean, c'mon!!!

If there is anything that could kill this relationship, it's the way he is treating me right now. I feel like he has pushed me into the corner to curl up and cry alone.

I hate my life.

Bye guys.

~Chan Black

Held Back

I just realized how bad I am at being good. How did I realize? Well,  I almost got suspended because I didn't know that we weren't allowed to go off campus for food. Ironic, right? Everyone at my school does it, and they got mad at me when they caught me because they said that everyone knew that we weren't allowed to do that. Proof of otherwise-I told my friends my punishment and why and one of them asked "we aren't allowed to do that?!" Seriously, this should be better cleared up. 

Also, I screwed up with my boyfriend. I mean my parents and his. I had this GREAT idea to get him to sneak over to my place two nights in a row and my parents found out. His mom doesn't want us dating or even being friends, and my dad the same. I don't know about my mom, but I really hope she doesn't say the same. How do I prove to them that he is good? How do I prove to them that I am good?! 

Please feel free to comment suggestions.

Thanks everyone.

~Chan Black

Dream Date

Why the heck are you talking about this?!?! You JUST posted about how awful everything is going for you right now!!! I know that's what you're thinking.  I know, it's random - I just wanted to put something happy in my blog for once. So no judging.

My dream date is probably being taken to freedom park where the lake. It would be cool outside, not hot, and it would be evening-ish. We would talk for hours while either sitting on a bench by the lake or walking around it and having fun. Maybe even go by the rolling hills and we would roll down it together. Then, at the perfect moment, he would give me a little ring as a gift to replace my mother's ring that she wants back but I wouldn't give back unless I had a replacement. I would be surprised because it was the one I had told him I was going to save up for. He would put it on my finger then walk me around he park, being polite to people and being respectfully funny. At the end of the night he would walk me home and kiss me goodnight, then thank my parents for letting us hang out and shaking their hand with a smile. 

That's just my dream date. It'll probably never happen, but it's still fun dreaming, right?

~Chan Black

Love..?

Honestly, I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is so ignorant of whats going on, he acts like everything is ok. It's almost as if he doesn't even care about me anymore. He never texts me, he lies to either me or my friends(I don't know if it's me or my friends that he is lying to now), and all he ever does now with me is try to make out with me. I mean, we JUST got out of a week long fight. He also had just lied to me last week about something and now he is trying to act like there's no reason that I don't trust him. I wish instead of being all sad and pout about it he would do whatever he could to fix it, like not tell me that it hurts when I ask if he's lying, but instead never lie again and let me regain his trust through his truths. I wish that instead of being all depressed when I try to talk about some issues I have with our relationship he would listen to me and fix things. I wish that I didn't have to worry about having to say whether or not I feel like we are doing well because he either fix things immediately when he figures out what's wrong or he does everything he can to keep the smile on my face.

I'm sorry.

I'll stop.

I just don't know what to do about all of this:(

Have a great day, everyone.

~Chan Black

P.S-I know this really isn't that important to you, love, but if you actually found the time to pay attention to me enough to check this blog, then here's a little something you may want to know about me if you really want to keep me as your girlfriend forever:

If you care about me, you would scrape up whatever money you had just to buy me a little something when I'm down. If you loved me, you would ask me what is wrong with our relationship without being all depressed and fix it. If you thought I was worth it, you would text me everyday and when I told you I'm worried about our relationship you would come running to fix the problems. If you wanted to keep me, you would do whatever you could to make my parents and your parents happy without relationship while keeping me happy with it too. You would find a way. Because nothing can stop love, right?

I f**ked up.

Ahem. Excuse my language. 

My last post was a mistake. I'm sure you realize that now that you're reading it. Well, I have no explanation for those actions other than that that was not me mentally that wrote that last post. I mean, it was me, but I was not in the right state of mind in that moment. I wrote some things that were very harsh and untrue on there and now I feel so much guilt. So now, I am going to fix things.

Love, I didn't mean that I was tired of your shit. I don't know why I said that, maybe because I felt like you were avoiding telling me stuff or maybe it was because you had lied to me about something unimportant. Either way, it was stupid of me to act so wrongly towards you. I love you. That will never change, and you know that. I am not going to delete my last post because I want you to be able to use it against me if you decide to punish me for my wrong decision. I won't hide, I know I wronged you, so I should be punished if the judge chooses. Whether or not you punish me, nevertheless, I will love you. You are my Ruby <3

OKAY. I apologize for the sappiness of that last paragraph. Honestly this sappiness would make me through up if it wasn't from or involving me. But hey; we all have our moments:)

Oh, another problem, my best friends(ALL FOUR OF THEM) have a crush on me now. I don't know why; I mean, who wants a girl who's internally a boy, but refuses to change her appearance based off of her masculinity?! Well, it's insane, because the two girls both shower me with gifts while one of the two boys showers me with support and "brotherly love". The last one is my boyfriend. He treats me like a...ruler. See why I'm sorry??? It's because I CARE I ABOUT SOMEONE GUYS!!!! Omg that is new. Alright, I will post later. Sorry for boring you once again.

~Chan Black

Huh...

I don't really understand my track of thought at the moment.

So first, I'm having problems with a lot of things right now; my parents, my grades, my relationships, stuff like that. I don't really know what to feel with many of these things, which is unfair. This is why I hate mixed signals.

So let me say first, my mom and dad are great people. I mean, really. They really stick up for me and they always have my back. Now, I have been really awful to them recently because I wanted to help my boyfriend. He's depressed, and when that happens my manly side of me kicks in and makes me feel the need to fix things. By that I mean I feel like I need to run over there ASAP just to make sure everything is alright. Well, I wish I was in a fairy tale, because that is never going to work out perfectly. Plus, my parents don't trust he and I together, and so most of the time we end up skipping or going to the extremes just to have some privacy to cuddle. By privacy, I don't mean like in a room alone or anything. I just mean being somewhere and not having to feel like I'm being watched at every moment. For example, last time he and I hung out, we sat on a rock in a lot just off the road that was slightly shielded from the road by some trees and sat and cuddled because we knew that the owner of the lot didn't mind, as long as we didn't hurt anything over there. At my house, my mom has cameras everywhere and when he is over she is constantly watching them. I only know this because she scolded me for moving a camera in the living room that i didn't even know existed.

So there is one problem. Anyways, so recently, my parents have been talking about how they wish they could trust my boyfriend and me together, but they cant because we keep making the same mistakes. I agree, we keep making mistakes. And to be honest with you, I'm so sick and tired of having to stop everything and help my boyfriend every time something happens.

Oh, that's a good subject.

So what happens when my boyfriend and I have fights? Well, let me map it out for you. So whenever he makes a mistake and he feels bad about it, he does this thing where he guilt trips me into doing whatever I must just to make him believe me that I actually do accept his apology. I wouldn't really mind that if he stopped making that same mistake repeatedly. Even worse when it is lying.
Recently, he has been lying to me constantly about something and I am ready to blow. If he makes this mistake again, I'm gonna start looking for other men. I love him, truly, I do, but if he is going to put me through shit, I need to learn that before it gets worse. There's this guy that likes me at the moment that would be a great rebound if my boyfriend ends up lying to me and betraying my little trust that I have left in him one more time.

Well, I need to stop ranting. Although this may not have been everything, I'm sure none of you have been reading this far at this point!

I'm sorry for continuously ranting on here. I have to go to bed now. Love you all!

~Chan Black

What's New

Hey guys! Guess who's back?!

Ok, that was an easy one. I know. Well, let me get you updated on my crazy life(not that you really care). So, let's start with my "Thanksgiving friend" from last blog. So what happened was that she was being really weird and slightly annoying. I didn't mind that. I'm used to it, I kind of have to be in order to put up with myself. It didn't get bad until her boyfriend broke up with her. Problem: Emotional roadshow has been dumped. Even worse: The ex is also my best friend. So she was all messed up from it. As I said earlier, I'm used to it. I get it. Breakups suck. But she decided that since I was still really good friends with her ex, that meant that I had taken him from her. Now, I see where she is coming from; as if it wasn't surprising enough, he left her because one he was tired of her destroying his feelings and two because he didn't really love her anymore. He had a crush on someone else; that someone else, being me. So she was only half wrong. Why? Because, although I did kind of like him a little, I am a good friend. I don't date my friend's exes. So I told her she was wrong. But of course this girl is just not twisted up enough; she heard people spreading rumors that that guy and I are dating and believed it so much that she refused to listen to my denial and reason. She put me through emotional horror for about 2 weeks before I realized I needed to do something about it. So I decided to tell her that she is no longer my close friend. I still, at this point, refused to put her through the pain of having her best friend dating her ex(just because she wasn't my best friend anymore doesn't mean she wasn't still calling me hers), but it was starting to become appealing. She continued to do this and blame me for stuff and tell me things about this guy that, as she claimed, were true, until I finally just gave in. I couldn't handle her anymore. 3 weeks after I had told her we weren't close friends anymore,  I broke it to her that I like her ex back and there is nothing she can do about it but, since I'm nice, I won't date him until she's alright with it. By the time that I finally decided to ignore her saying "ok" then crying to me later saying that I'm not allowed to, a month had gone by. I decided to block her on all accounts and then date her ex, who, throughout that whole thing, was the only person who would put himself through emotional hell again just to get her to leave me alone, and was always there to make sure I was alright after dealing with her. He was the sweetest thing to me. He and I both felt bad for treating her the way we did, but after she had made it public that she thought she was officially the next virgin Mary with his baby, we haven't felt much guilt. Now, he and I are doing wonderful.
                                                                 Or so I think.
In our relationship, I have taken on the role of the male in every way: I shower him with gifts, pay for him, ask him on dates, ask him to prom, etc. I was even the one to ask him out because he "just couldn't find the right moment". It's ok, though, love, I get it that you're broke and that you want it to be perfect. But something you should know is that you can't wait on perfect, you have to make it. I love you <3