Huh...

I don't really understand my track of thought at the moment.

So first, I'm having problems with a lot of things right now; my parents, my grades, my relationships, stuff like that. I don't really know what to feel with many of these things, which is unfair. This is why I hate mixed signals.

So let me say first, my mom and dad are great people. I mean, really. They really stick up for me and they always have my back. Now, I have been really awful to them recently because I wanted to help my boyfriend. He's depressed, and when that happens my manly side of me kicks in and makes me feel the need to fix things. By that I mean I feel like I need to run over there ASAP just to make sure everything is alright. Well, I wish I was in a fairy tale, because that is never going to work out perfectly. Plus, my parents don't trust he and I together, and so most of the time we end up skipping or going to the extremes just to have some privacy to cuddle. By privacy, I don't mean like in a room alone or anything. I just mean being somewhere and not having to feel like I'm being watched at every moment. For example, last time he and I hung out, we sat on a rock in a lot just off the road that was slightly shielded from the road by some trees and sat and cuddled because we knew that the owner of the lot didn't mind, as long as we didn't hurt anything over there. At my house, my mom has cameras everywhere and when he is over she is constantly watching them. I only know this because she scolded me for moving a camera in the living room that i didn't even know existed.

So there is one problem. Anyways, so recently, my parents have been talking about how they wish they could trust my boyfriend and me together, but they cant because we keep making the same mistakes. I agree, we keep making mistakes. And to be honest with you, I'm so sick and tired of having to stop everything and help my boyfriend every time something happens.

Oh, that's a good subject.

So what happens when my boyfriend and I have fights? Well, let me map it out for you. So whenever he makes a mistake and he feels bad about it, he does this thing where he guilt trips me into doing whatever I must just to make him believe me that I actually do accept his apology. I wouldn't really mind that if he stopped making that same mistake repeatedly. Even worse when it is lying.
Recently, he has been lying to me constantly about something and I am ready to blow. If he makes this mistake again, I'm gonna start looking for other men. I love him, truly, I do, but if he is going to put me through shit, I need to learn that before it gets worse. There's this guy that likes me at the moment that would be a great rebound if my boyfriend ends up lying to me and betraying my little trust that I have left in him one more time.

Well, I need to stop ranting. Although this may not have been everything, I'm sure none of you have been reading this far at this point!

I'm sorry for continuously ranting on here. I have to go to bed now. Love you all!

~Chan Black